I have, literally, started more than a dozen blog posts in the year since my last post. Nothing ever seemed worthy of sharing or I would never finish the post. I didn't even do my typical New Year post for 2017. I supposed it seemed like after the wild ride that was 2016 I would just be grateful for a new year, period.

2017 started off exciting, for sure. We woke up to no power and our electrical pole in the front yard on fire. Yep, for sure. I worked by candlelight and the kids had a blast. It was cold and rainy and we survived. That week the van broke down in the middle of a left hand turn across a busy highway. We survived that too. And then Mom went into the hospital AGAIN with more gall bladder stuff. And that went on and on for a couple months until she finally had the surgery she needed. We all survived that and she is doing much better with the occasional flare up.

I had two more skin biopsies early in the year which came back negative so I was cleared for 6 months. At the 6 month checkup they didn't find anything abnormal. Hallelujah!!! Right??? Right. I felt like I could breathe again.

Made two trips to Salt Lake City this year for Young Living. One for annual Convention and the second for Silver Leadership Retreat which was absolutely amazing. Here are some photo highlights! Can't wait for next year!!

























In between all of the bumps in the road and the business travel we did baseball and softball in the Spring and just wrapped up baseball and softball for Fall. Caleb and Kiki both love to play ball and are already looking forward to another season next Spring.






Reagan played the Queen of Hearts in our co-op's production of Alice in Wonderland this Spring. She was wonderful!!! For the Summer, she got her first taste of community theatre where she was an Ancestor in Henry Players' youth production of The Addams Family. It was a huge month-long commitment that she absolutely LOVED. It was an incredible experience.







Now that the kids are going into their slow seasons for extracurriculars, I am going into my busy season for oils and my oily business. It's pretty perfect how it works out. And Georgia is finally getting some gorgeous weather that is perfect for working outdoors while the kids and puppy girl play. This is my favorite time of year, for sure.




We are loving the heck out of October and Halloween festivities. We love harvest decorations and all things pumpkin, orange, yellow, brown, and red. Every week is a tradition of our favorite Halloween movies and books, baking, pumpkin carving, pulling out hoodies, hiking, hunting for the perfect leaf, and tossing acorns into the pond.








Tomorrow is Halloween and we couldn't be more excited! The kids have their costumes all ready and we will carve our last pumpkin during the day while we wait for trick or treat time. And I will use the festivities as a much needed distraction from my latest "news".

Sigh....so, probably around the time of Silver Retreat (mid-September) I discovered a teeny lump in my right breast during a monthly self-exam. (So, check your boobies ladies!!! Not just in October!!) Got in to see my doctor about it last Tuesday and was promptly sent to imaging for a mammogram. Had the mammogram last Thursday (first-ever at age 38) and let me just say that it's not as painful as I imagined from what others have said but it was shocking how much of you they try to squish into that damned machine. Uh, it sucked. And the pain started the next day and has lasted until now. You will be sore after for AWHILE which is something no one ever told me.

After waiting for what felt like an eternity in the waiting room full of other women, all wearing our upper body smocks, feeling like part of a sad club or something, I was finally called into a private room where the tech told me they wanted to do an ultrasound also. Ok. More waiting. Finally, they called me in for the ultrasound, after which the tech called the doctor in to tell me there was "a definite mass that is undeterminable in nature. Next step is biopsy. Good news is lymph nodes look good. We want to do it as soon as possible but realize you need to have some time to process all of this. Do you have any questions, Mrs. Bader?"

My mind was going a million miles an hour but my body was in shock so I'm not sure if I responded more than a mere shaking of my head. I tried to play it cool like I was fine. He explained to me that the numbing procedure would take the longest. He sounded like he was in a tunnel as my brain tried to block him out. Yes, of course I know the numbing part is the biggest bitch of all. We did that 3 times last year with the skin biopsies and twice this year. By far and away the most painful thing....but not in my boob. I may have started crying??? He looked worried and kept telling me to take a deep breath, which really pissed me off because it made me feel like I needed to be worried about something. Should I be? Deep breath, right.

Anyway, my biopsy is scheduled for Monday, November 6 in the morning. I'm trying very hard not to freak out because it could be nothing, just like my last two skin biopsies. It could be nothing. Or it could be something. And then what??? And that's what the mind does, folks. It goes there. And I start to consider all the possible scenarios. And I convince myself that's proactive because I want to know what I will choose to do when the scenario presents itself. But then my mind looks around my house at all the "things". All the things that I love that make me happy that will be awful sad memories for those I leave behind if something happens to me. And it's all downhill from there.

Y'all......this is where I was last year waiting for the biopsy results from my borderline melanoma. I can't freaking believe I'm here all over again. I'm in shock, I'm angry, I'm sad, and sometimes I'm hopeful and optimistic that everything will be fine. Mostly I'm scared.

And I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how in love with my husband and my family that I am. I think about how young Mike and I were when we met and feel sad when it feels like we wasted so much time that we could have been together but the odds were stacked against us back then. And when we finally were able to be together we felt like we had the whole world ahead of us. So many dreams and possibilities. A future we'd both dreamed of for years and years. And then I start to feel like there's a weight on my chest and I can't breathe.

Soooo......if you're the praying type and can spare a few moments to pray for me, I would appreciate it more than anything. I will be back next week to update once I get the results back from the lab.

So, it wasn't quite Pivotal Moment #3 but it was definitely a standout moment. Life isn't different forever based on that one phone call but I will, no doubt, remember the phone call the rest of my life. Let's rewind to the night before the call.

I went to bed very, very late as I tend to do because I'm a night owl. While showering before bed I began testing out different scenarios in my mind. How would I react if the results were this? Or that? What would change? What would never been the same again? It began as a preparation exercise and ended in total panic. The thought of leaving my children alone. The thought of our upcoming beach trip having totally different undertones due to it being one of our last as a family. So many awful thoughts flying at me at once. I began to pray. I crawled into bed and looked up scriptures in my Bible app on my phone and fell asleep reciting The Word.

Since our bedroom has been temporarily relocated due to last month's flooding, I don't have a night stand and currently sleep with my phone under my pillow. I don't recommend that, actually, because all notifications go straight into your ear and scare you awake. Anyway, 9am is early for me and that's when the phone started ringing. Typically, I'm extremely annoyed by a phone call. Nowadays, I prefer an email or a text but NEVER, ever call me. But it was an Atlanta number and my heart jumped into my throat.

I answered and, sure enough, it was the dermatologist's office. I can't remember if my palms started sweating or if I lost all sensation in my body in anticipation. I was terrified and anxious about what the next few moments would bring into my life. She asked me if I had time to speak and I answered yes.

"Mrs. B, the pathology came back for the mole on your left thigh as moderately dysplastic which means that the cells cells are changing. Since we already removed the mole we typically just monitor the site and do full body scans every 3 months." Okay, breathe, breathe. I had expected some dysplasia so I'm not shocked; relieved actually that they'll be checking me more frequently.

Then her tone changed. I'm not 100% sure that I didn't imagine it but I'm quite positive that there was a shift in her tone for this part, "The pathology on the mole on your right thigh, however, returned severely dysplastic which is one step before melanoma. It's good you came in when you did. The doctor would like to do a complete excision of this area." My head was spinning and my heart was pounding so I can't even remember if I made her verify "not melanoma" or if I made it up. But I held to the part that severely dysplastic is before melanoma.

So, I caught it in time???!!! My heart was trying to celebrate while my brain was reminding me I still had to have more removed. And another pathology report to wait on. AND I'm now at a higher risk of developing melanoma at any other point in my life. Which means my kids are too. I couldn't celebrate.

I ran to the kitchen to my calendar so I could schedule the excision procedure while I was on the phone with the doctor's office. The first date she gave me was the date we were due to leave for our final beach vacation of this year. I asked her if it could wait an additional 2 weeks and she obliged. So, my excision is scheduled for September 26.

I went back to the bedroom to tell Mike, who had been waiting patiently since my phone rang, the news. He was much more enthusiastic than I was. I, who had been ok the whole time, burst into suffocating tears after I finally got the words out. All of the buildup of fear and uncertainty had weighed on me and all came crashing down at that moment. I wasn't dying. I wasn't going to die soon. My life didn't even have to change a whole lot for now. I need to be cautious, yes. But I can still pursue my dreams full speed ahead. God's promises to me still stood!! I was just overcome with so much emotion.

So, I'm in the waiting again. Waiting for my excision appointment. Waiting for my biopsy sites to heal. That has been hard. Those biopsy sites have hurt, itched, not healed quickly, and generally been awful. It has been HARD. I just needed to say that again.

But I'm ok. In fact, I'm better. I see things differently. I realize that life is shorter than I even thought before. I was still living with the idealistic views of an adult in her 20s when the world is your oyster and you have all this time ahead of you. Now I know that it can vanish and end before you're ready. I have prayed more, been grateful more, tried to be angry less, and tried to be a better mom.

That brings me to today, in the van with the younger two kiddos. Caleb asked me about Heaven. So we had a discussion about it. We talked about what the Bible says about it and what others have said we could expect about it. The conversation came around to when we each die and go to Heaven. I told them that when I die I will be watching over them and waiting for them so we would all be together again someday. Kiki said, "If you died, I would be so sad." Caleb said, "When you die I will want to die immediately so I can keep being with you." Oh. My. Heart! I just can't even. I love those kids so much it hurts me physically. Little did my sweet 7 year old know he described losing a parent perfectly. Even for those of us that are 36 (37 in a week). I imagine the same exact reaction when 'nightmaring' losing one of my parents. I would want to die immediately to be with them. Jesus come get us all!

Anyway, it's better news that I had imagined it might be. Still in a waiting pattern for awhile longer.

Peace out!

I wish I knew what made that little switch flip. Ya know, the one when you've finally had enough of everything that's wrong and you just decide you're not going to live like that anymore? I suppose this is about the 3rd time in my life I've reached that point. I love this meme that I've seen go around on social media. It was so extremely true for me 3 years ago when I just refused to live in the fog of postpartum depression any longer.

Y'all knew this was coming, right? My New Year's post? Well, actually, this isn't the one. That one will show up in the next couple of days in the wee dark hours of the morning from a deep place of contemplation and reflection. ;) This post isn't that one. (Although I am listening to my favorite version of the Pachelbel by the beautiful and talented Laura Sullivan, which is my music for contemplation. Seriously, go check her out. She's absolutely amazing.)


I normally love the last day of the month anyway because I get to make a fresh new calendar for my fridge and I love the excitement of a new month. The last day of the year is even more exciting!! First thing I did today was sit down with  my coffee, my calendar, and my markers!

New Year's Eve 2014 - Kiki and Danny couldn't make it.

NYE 2014 - Reagan

NYE 2014 - Caleb

NYE 2010 - Caleb

NYE 2009 - Reagan

And right now we are headed to our favorite place to spend New Year's Eve with our favorite people. Happy New Year everyone!! Be safe! Make memories! :)

Peace out!