Another New Year. I've been silent for over two years now. Not even the inevitable New Year introspective post from me, whether here or in my private journal.

The last two years have been hard. A lot has happened, but a lot hasn't happened either. That's my fault. I've been in hiding. From that which can't be escaped anyway. ::sigh::

Regardless, it is my intention to come out of hiding. It's not so much that I feel like I have anything important to say but that I feel like something must be said. I just need to speak. I used to feel as if I had a voice but now I feel choked off and smothered. And I simply must speak.

But first, let's catch up! Things were kind of booking along pretty well there for awhile. And then, in the Summer of 2018, our home flooded while we were on vacation across the country. It was a silly little water supply line in the downstairs bathroom but it managed to flood the entire downstairs with about 2-3 inches of steamy water, blowing a hole through 2 walls, sparing only the kitchen.

It really wasn't that big of a deal when compared to what others have experienced but it managed to rock my world. Six months of living in two hotel rooms (with my three kids across the hall from me in a separate room) and with a German Shepherd was pretty crazy. We've now been home for a little more than a year and it still gives me anxiety to think about.

Mike, Reagan, and I, all suffered with anxiety attacks while living in the hotel. I think the whole experience did a number on all of us, except little Kiki. It didn't seem to phase her much, thankfully. Overall, the family handled it remarkably well, even our wonderful, beautiful, Kohala. We couldn't have asked for a better dog in that situation. She was perfect.

And now that we are home, the remodeled areas are truly beautiful. We still have some boxes and some rooms that need work, but I can't describe how happy I am to be home. So much that I didn't leave most of last year unless I absolutely had to.

It was a busy year. Reagan turned 15 and adores theater. The co-op that she had been attending for almost 5 years closed last Spring and it was very sad. We were so blessed to find it when we did. She made some amazing friends there that I hope will be life-long. We did find a new co-op for the Fall and she absolutely loves it and has made even more wonderful friends. She is almost always at rehearsals, whether it's for co-op theater, community theater, or a musical performance. It definitely keeps us driving all over the place.

Caleb is 10 now and played baseball in, both, Spring and Fall. I'm really glad he still enjoys it even though Spring ball can be so tiring. We practically live at the ballpark in Spring. He was on a great team last Spring. The 10U Hampton Braves had a great season and even came in 2nd at the tournament at the end of the season. It was so much fun. Spring signups are right around the corner again, so I know the busy season is nearly upon us.

Kinley is 8 and played softball last Spring but decided after the season that ball isn't her thing so she took the Fall off. She has shown interest in Girl Scouts recently and also mentioned archery so we will see what ends up happening this season.

I turned 40 this year and it has been a difficult thing for me to process. I realize that sounds so very cliche. And I didn't expect it to bother me so much. 30 was a breeze for me. 40 slapped me right across the face and then proceeded to show me every dream I had hoped to accomplish since I turned 18 and how I had achieved none of those things. I am struggling with huge feelings of failure and self-worth.

I'm about to go all feminist on you but I have also been struggling with the idea that I am now, somehow, irrelevant. Like, I have now crossed a threshold where I'm no longer a young woman but old, useless, and simply tolerated rather than celebrated for anything. Men simply don't have to deal with that.

I woke up one day and my hair just decided it would no longer be soft, shiny, and beautiful. Instead, it is wiry, frizzy, and lifeless. It goes right along with my dull skin that has new wrinkles popping up here and there and my right hip that aches sometimes for no reason at all. ::sigh::

So, I have decided that there's no better time than a new year and a new decade, on the calendar and of my life, to set new goals. Different than some I've set in the past and some the same. I'm doing the 52 in 52 challenge again because I just love it plus I desperately need the personal development! But I'm also setting some goals to help me achieve certain dreams that I cast aside many, many years ago when I decided to stay home and not just raise my kids but homeschool them, and do life with them.

They are growing so fast and my time with them is quickly running short. And with the political climate being what it is these days, our freedom is running short as well. The time is now to do the things I always wanted to do. I don't know how I'm going to do all of these things but I have hope that by doing the little things, the how for the big things will be revealed.

More to come! I'll also be sharing my 52 in 52 reading list! Stay tuned! And please share your goals for 2020 with me!

For fun, tell me what 3 words you see first! I saw Prosperity, Beginnings, and Energy! 👌🏻😊

0 Responses