So, it wasn't quite Pivotal Moment #3 but it was definitely a standout moment. Life isn't different forever based on that one phone call but I will, no doubt, remember the phone call the rest of my life. Let's rewind to the night before the call.

I went to bed very, very late as I tend to do because I'm a night owl. While showering before bed I began testing out different scenarios in my mind. How would I react if the results were this? Or that? What would change? What would never been the same again? It began as a preparation exercise and ended in total panic. The thought of leaving my children alone. The thought of our upcoming beach trip having totally different undertones due to it being one of our last as a family. So many awful thoughts flying at me at once. I began to pray. I crawled into bed and looked up scriptures in my Bible app on my phone and fell asleep reciting The Word.

Since our bedroom has been temporarily relocated due to last month's flooding, I don't have a night stand and currently sleep with my phone under my pillow. I don't recommend that, actually, because all notifications go straight into your ear and scare you awake. Anyway, 9am is early for me and that's when the phone started ringing. Typically, I'm extremely annoyed by a phone call. Nowadays, I prefer an email or a text but NEVER, ever call me. But it was an Atlanta number and my heart jumped into my throat.

I answered and, sure enough, it was the dermatologist's office. I can't remember if my palms started sweating or if I lost all sensation in my body in anticipation. I was terrified and anxious about what the next few moments would bring into my life. She asked me if I had time to speak and I answered yes.

"Mrs. B, the pathology came back for the mole on your left thigh as moderately dysplastic which means that the cells cells are changing. Since we already removed the mole we typically just monitor the site and do full body scans every 3 months." Okay, breathe, breathe. I had expected some dysplasia so I'm not shocked; relieved actually that they'll be checking me more frequently.

Then her tone changed. I'm not 100% sure that I didn't imagine it but I'm quite positive that there was a shift in her tone for this part, "The pathology on the mole on your right thigh, however, returned severely dysplastic which is one step before melanoma. It's good you came in when you did. The doctor would like to do a complete excision of this area." My head was spinning and my heart was pounding so I can't even remember if I made her verify "not melanoma" or if I made it up. But I held to the part that severely dysplastic is before melanoma.

So, I caught it in time???!!! My heart was trying to celebrate while my brain was reminding me I still had to have more removed. And another pathology report to wait on. AND I'm now at a higher risk of developing melanoma at any other point in my life. Which means my kids are too. I couldn't celebrate.

I ran to the kitchen to my calendar so I could schedule the excision procedure while I was on the phone with the doctor's office. The first date she gave me was the date we were due to leave for our final beach vacation of this year. I asked her if it could wait an additional 2 weeks and she obliged. So, my excision is scheduled for September 26.

I went back to the bedroom to tell Mike, who had been waiting patiently since my phone rang, the news. He was much more enthusiastic than I was. I, who had been ok the whole time, burst into suffocating tears after I finally got the words out. All of the buildup of fear and uncertainty had weighed on me and all came crashing down at that moment. I wasn't dying. I wasn't going to die soon. My life didn't even have to change a whole lot for now. I need to be cautious, yes. But I can still pursue my dreams full speed ahead. God's promises to me still stood!! I was just overcome with so much emotion.

So, I'm in the waiting again. Waiting for my excision appointment. Waiting for my biopsy sites to heal. That has been hard. Those biopsy sites have hurt, itched, not healed quickly, and generally been awful. It has been HARD. I just needed to say that again.

But I'm ok. In fact, I'm better. I see things differently. I realize that life is shorter than I even thought before. I was still living with the idealistic views of an adult in her 20s when the world is your oyster and you have all this time ahead of you. Now I know that it can vanish and end before you're ready. I have prayed more, been grateful more, tried to be angry less, and tried to be a better mom.

That brings me to today, in the van with the younger two kiddos. Caleb asked me about Heaven. So we had a discussion about it. We talked about what the Bible says about it and what others have said we could expect about it. The conversation came around to when we each die and go to Heaven. I told them that when I die I will be watching over them and waiting for them so we would all be together again someday. Kiki said, "If you died, I would be so sad." Caleb said, "When you die I will want to die immediately so I can keep being with you." Oh. My. Heart! I just can't even. I love those kids so much it hurts me physically. Little did my sweet 7 year old know he described losing a parent perfectly. Even for those of us that are 36 (37 in a week). I imagine the same exact reaction when 'nightmaring' losing one of my parents. I would want to die immediately to be with them. Jesus come get us all!

Anyway, it's better news that I had imagined it might be. Still in a waiting pattern for awhile longer.

Peace out!

I wish I knew what made that little switch flip. Ya know, the one when you've finally had enough of everything that's wrong and you just decide you're not going to live like that anymore? I suppose this is about the 3rd time in my life I've reached that point. I love this meme that I've seen go around on social media. It was so extremely true for me 3 years ago when I just refused to live in the fog of postpartum depression any longer.

So, the other night when I was doing my workout, about halfway through I was so tired and winded. I wanted to quit so badly. That's when I looked around at my walls and saw all of the items I have stashed around my workout room to keep me motivated and to remind me why I'm doing this....again. I wanted to share some of those things here.

I said I would update my fitness journey. Well, here's the truth of it. In the picture to the right of here that shows the start of my fitness journey, I weighed 194. That was the heaviest I had ever been. Going for full disclosure here; I'm now at 201.

The amazing Team I am privileged to be a part of is currently holding their leadership development class, Coach Basics (training for new Team Beachbody coaches). I am re-taking the class as well because I have new coaches enrolled and I like to be part of the training with them. It's a really wonderful "boot camp" for new coaches because the first part of the training really helps to guide them through all of the basics of their new business and get them off to a great start. Day 2 of the training focuses on the development of a strong, emotional WHY. If you have ever been through a goal-setting class or done much professional development training, you will know this is a common theme in anything to do with personal achievement. If the reason you want something is strong enough and there is some deep emotional component atttached to it, you are more likely to reach your goal than if you didn't really have much thought invested in your goal. We teach very much the same thing to our fitness challengers. You have to have a deep, emotional reason for wanting to lose weight, get healthy, or get in shape or you won't be serious about sticking with your fitness and nutrition plan through the difficult times.

With the beginning of the new month came the unofficial end of Summer. School started 3 weeks ago! Where did the summer go? We were just counting down the days until our June beach vacation and we're already in another school year. My clients and I have been disussing the last few days why the first day of the new school year is such a big deal to moms. We have come to the conclusion that it's an in-your-face reminder of how quickly your children are growing and that time is ticking away. I tell this story frequently to make my point. When Reagan was very little a lot of my friends had kids that were starting Kindergarten and I remember how utterly ridiculous they would act on the first day of Kindergarten. I swore I would not be that mom. Needless to say, I was that mom and probably worse because of PPD. Upon contemplating this (because that's what I do is contemplate everything to its death), I came to see that it was due to unrealized expectations. When you bring home your baby from the hospital you think you have so much time because all of it is out in front of you. You make plans, you dream of all the things you will do with your child and teach your child in those first 5 years. And perhaps you do some of them and others you put on a back burner because "there's plenty of time". And then you're dropping them off or sending them on the school bus for their first day of Kindergarten and you are shockingly overtaken by the reailzation that those 5 years are gone forever. You can never get them back and the next phase of your child's life (and yours) has begun. One word sums it up for me: regret. Perhaps not all moms feel this way but when I was in the throes of PPD, the walk home from the bus stop without my "baby" was agonizingly regretful.

Today was supposed to be my day off. Key word: supposed. I had planned to work on cleaning up the house, doing some laundry, maybe even getting a head start on packing (we are in the process of possibly buying a house), making some phone calls, and using the remainder of my gift money to get a relaxing spa pedicure. This was my plan BEFORE I came home from work on Tuesday night to a sick 4 year old. 

Not coincidentally, it has been a very long time since I updated this blog. However, I am making a new commitment to try to post here much more frequently. It has been on my heart for quite some time that I had a story others may be able to relate to and possibly even benefit from. So, this is my attempt at resurrecting this blog and bring you all more intimately into my journey.