So, it wasn't quite Pivotal Moment #3 but it was definitely a standout moment. Life isn't different forever based on that one phone call but I will, no doubt, remember the phone call the rest of my life. Let's rewind to the night before the call.

I went to bed very, very late as I tend to do because I'm a night owl. While showering before bed I began testing out different scenarios in my mind. How would I react if the results were this? Or that? What would change? What would never been the same again? It began as a preparation exercise and ended in total panic. The thought of leaving my children alone. The thought of our upcoming beach trip having totally different undertones due to it being one of our last as a family. So many awful thoughts flying at me at once. I began to pray. I crawled into bed and looked up scriptures in my Bible app on my phone and fell asleep reciting The Word.

Since our bedroom has been temporarily relocated due to last month's flooding, I don't have a night stand and currently sleep with my phone under my pillow. I don't recommend that, actually, because all notifications go straight into your ear and scare you awake. Anyway, 9am is early for me and that's when the phone started ringing. Typically, I'm extremely annoyed by a phone call. Nowadays, I prefer an email or a text but NEVER, ever call me. But it was an Atlanta number and my heart jumped into my throat.

I answered and, sure enough, it was the dermatologist's office. I can't remember if my palms started sweating or if I lost all sensation in my body in anticipation. I was terrified and anxious about what the next few moments would bring into my life. She asked me if I had time to speak and I answered yes.

"Mrs. B, the pathology came back for the mole on your left thigh as moderately dysplastic which means that the cells cells are changing. Since we already removed the mole we typically just monitor the site and do full body scans every 3 months." Okay, breathe, breathe. I had expected some dysplasia so I'm not shocked; relieved actually that they'll be checking me more frequently.

Then her tone changed. I'm not 100% sure that I didn't imagine it but I'm quite positive that there was a shift in her tone for this part, "The pathology on the mole on your right thigh, however, returned severely dysplastic which is one step before melanoma. It's good you came in when you did. The doctor would like to do a complete excision of this area." My head was spinning and my heart was pounding so I can't even remember if I made her verify "not melanoma" or if I made it up. But I held to the part that severely dysplastic is before melanoma.

So, I caught it in time???!!! My heart was trying to celebrate while my brain was reminding me I still had to have more removed. And another pathology report to wait on. AND I'm now at a higher risk of developing melanoma at any other point in my life. Which means my kids are too. I couldn't celebrate.

I ran to the kitchen to my calendar so I could schedule the excision procedure while I was on the phone with the doctor's office. The first date she gave me was the date we were due to leave for our final beach vacation of this year. I asked her if it could wait an additional 2 weeks and she obliged. So, my excision is scheduled for September 26.

I went back to the bedroom to tell Mike, who had been waiting patiently since my phone rang, the news. He was much more enthusiastic than I was. I, who had been ok the whole time, burst into suffocating tears after I finally got the words out. All of the buildup of fear and uncertainty had weighed on me and all came crashing down at that moment. I wasn't dying. I wasn't going to die soon. My life didn't even have to change a whole lot for now. I need to be cautious, yes. But I can still pursue my dreams full speed ahead. God's promises to me still stood!! I was just overcome with so much emotion.

So, I'm in the waiting again. Waiting for my excision appointment. Waiting for my biopsy sites to heal. That has been hard. Those biopsy sites have hurt, itched, not healed quickly, and generally been awful. It has been HARD. I just needed to say that again.

But I'm ok. In fact, I'm better. I see things differently. I realize that life is shorter than I even thought before. I was still living with the idealistic views of an adult in her 20s when the world is your oyster and you have all this time ahead of you. Now I know that it can vanish and end before you're ready. I have prayed more, been grateful more, tried to be angry less, and tried to be a better mom.

That brings me to today, in the van with the younger two kiddos. Caleb asked me about Heaven. So we had a discussion about it. We talked about what the Bible says about it and what others have said we could expect about it. The conversation came around to when we each die and go to Heaven. I told them that when I die I will be watching over them and waiting for them so we would all be together again someday. Kiki said, "If you died, I would be so sad." Caleb said, "When you die I will want to die immediately so I can keep being with you." Oh. My. Heart! I just can't even. I love those kids so much it hurts me physically. Little did my sweet 7 year old know he described losing a parent perfectly. Even for those of us that are 36 (37 in a week). I imagine the same exact reaction when 'nightmaring' losing one of my parents. I would want to die immediately to be with them. Jesus come get us all!

Anyway, it's better news that I had imagined it might be. Still in a waiting pattern for awhile longer.

Peace out!

I guess I maybe had it in me my whole life. This longing for adventure and wilderness. I grew up in Central Florida surrounded by orange groves, sand dunes, and creature infested swampy lakes. I used to spend my days catching tadpoles and frogs for pets, covering myself in Spanish Moss and pretending like I had long hair and was a swamp princess, and going on all day outdoor adventures focused on avoiding snakes and gators. My childhood was pretty. freaking. amazing.

When we moved to Georgia in 1989 when I was 10 years old my outdoor adventures consisted of wading in creeks and traversing "cliffs" of clay over creeks and riverbeds. Being indoors was never a good option in good weather, but especially during thunderstorms, which was a mandatory front porch event (still is).

Truth is, I've always been in love with being outdoors and having adventures. But it wasn't until a trip to St. Louis with my dad one summer and a visit to the Gateway Arch museum and intro to Lewis & Clark that an obsession was born. My family is from Missouri and that's where, I guess you could say, my genealogical roots are established. So, one summer, I'm thinking it must have been 1993 or 1994, after our annual trip to my grandparents' house we drove up to St. Louis for a side trip. I get my spontaneous side tripping bug from my dad who would often, on the weekends, load us into the car and just start driving for nowhere in particular.

We went to the Gateway Arch museum and watched an IMAX film about Yosemite and walked the museum for hours reading and learning about the 'gateway to the west' and Lewis & Clark. I fell head over heels in love with the entire story and Lewis & Clark became my everlasting heroes. My dad bought me books to take home and study on their adventures.

A year or two later, in 1995, again on our yearly summer trip to Missouri, my grandparents invited me to go with them on their annual trip to Colorado. I was 15 going on 16 and full of wild rebellion. I wanted a great adventure! I wanted to experience the world! That was the age when the 'rebellion' overtook my soul, I believe. I couldn't understand being tied down to a place or a thing or a job. The world was mine to be explored! I said yes very emphatically to going with them on that trip.

The very best part of this is that I had just begun journaling at that time in my life so I very much documented my trip west. Albeit in a young teen's words but the sentiment at the imagery and the scenery is still awe-inspiring to my heart, even today. I feel it all over again when I read my own 'teenager's heart' words. My first sight of the plains of Kansas. My first glimpse of the Rocky Mountains, which in my journals I imagined must have been extremely similar to what Lewis & Clark felt the first time they glimpsed the tiny specks on the horizon and the immense awe they must have felt daily as they beheld the "specks" growing larger and larger and wondering just exactly how large those mountains could be really be!!! Oh, the wonder of it!!! I get excited all over again just remembering how amazing it was!!

I remember mostly that whole week, while driving around the towns of Colorado and Manitou Springs feeling envious and angry that the people who lived there must take their view for granted on a daily basis. Did they not know what a blessing it was that they lived in the shadow of such beauties every minute of every day? It was unfathomable! And the beauty yanked on my heart the entire time I was there. It weighed on me. It beckoned me. I felt one with it. I felt as if I should be enveloped by it. The moon and the stars seemed to speak to me. The mountain peaks seemed to speak my name. I felt peace and fear all at once. Peace because it felt like "home" and fear because there was adventure yet to be had. It was wild and unpredictable and I wanted it. I wanted it so much!!

See how close we were standing to the edge? Most people would freak out but he and I were both exhilarated. He was my "on the edge" buddy for sure. :)

Mammaw wouldn't stand at the edge but only by the inner snow banks, lol. The heights terrified her.

We took every opportunity there was to stand "on the edge" of the mountain and look down on Forever.

Alas, I did have to go back home to Georgia. But that calling to the wild, unexplored places of the earth remained in my heart. It has been a core place in me since that time. My life's desires are focused around returning to that which is timeless. It may have been 20 years for me. I may look and be 20 years older than when I was last there but I guarantee those mountains are just as majestic and breathtaking as they ever were!

And I still want to show my kids! That part was born also! A desire to show my kids all the beautiful things that exist in the world and to have them experience them like I never truly got to. It is my WHY, which has evolved since I'm now living what it once was. Now I want to witness them as they witness the Earth and all the splendid things God created for us all to behold. Beauty is His greatest gift to us and I intend not to miss it.

Peace out!