Showing posts with label postpartum illness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label postpartum illness. Show all posts
Ever Onward! A New Year
Chrissie

The beginning of another year is always so exciting to me! It's a blank slate, a chance to start over and do better, a fresh opportunity. I have been very busy the last week or so making plans for my 2014; writing down goals, saving photos to paste on my dream board, journaling my wishes and desires for my family, my self, and my two businesses. What I haven't done much of is reflect on the previous year. At the most, I have marvelled at what I have accomplished (as it is quite marvelous, if I do say so myself). Those are things such as finally getting my health and fitness back on track, sticking to a fitness program for longer than a few days, getting out of my comfort zone and beginning to build a successful business, and standing up for myself in a variety of other ways. I have come to know "me" on a deeper level. Those things are great testimonies!


But there are some struggles that linger, that I'm still dealing with. I've made a lot of progress but I haven't arrived. One of these struggles is with postpartum-turned-chronic depression (since I'm not sure I can, technically, still call it postpartum now that Kinley will be 3 next month, lol). Fitness and nutrition have, without a shred of doubt, helped to put those horrible, agonizing days behind me. I owe so very much to Team Beachbody for giving me the tools I needed to climb out of that deep, dark pit. What I'm left with are the dirty rags of shame and guilt that I'm assuming will take a little longer to shed completely. But I'm getting there and that's what is important to remember. 

I'm currently reading Joel Osteen's I Declare: 31 Promises to Speak Over Your Life. It's a wonderful, empowering 31 day devotional journey. Today, the passage I read caused me to look back over my journey with PPD and my eyes are opened to see the grace that was extended to me to get through such a harrowing time. You see, there were days when I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, the whole world was dark and cold. I believed, at times, that I couldn't survive it and, even others, when I didn't want to. It's hard to understand if you've never experienced it but I believe PPD is a deeper, darker, lonlier place to dwell than a more common clinical depression. It has too many other faces and they all hide behind or get lumped under the name Postpartum Depression. 

Today's passage said that God gives us the grace and favor we need for the time we are in. He does it one day at a time and that is how we live through it. It's easy, looking back, to wonder how I ever made it but the truth is that I survived each day, a day at a time. And it's only looking back, collectively, that you can say, "I have arrived." But we all have to do it one day at a time. I'm sure this may not be a great revelation for some of you, and that is fine. It is such a blessing for me to know that, though, it may appear to some looking in on my life that I went from Point A to Point B but I'm still on this journey. The train is still rolling and I'm still walking out the changes in my life. One day at a time. Sometimes I go through valleys. I'm going through one now in the days following the death of my grandfather. But experience has taught me that I'm gathering what I need from this experience and carrying it with me so that I can share what I have learned with others who follow. And that, I believe, is part of God's purpose for carrying me through the valleys vs. transporting me out of them completely, though He certainly has the power to do so. Had I not gone through the level of pain that I did, I would not have had the courage or knowledge to take hold of someone else's hand and walk with them out of their valley. And it is now my blessing to watch these transformations take place and know that my misery served a higher purpose.

So, my goal this year is to help as many people as I can to see their potential and reach for it! I'm not only talking about through Team Beachbody and my incredible accountability groups but my children. This year I will embark on another humbling, pretty scary, but exciting journey to homeschool my 3 kiddos. It is not something I ever considered or thought myself capable of doing but I feel called to do it and I know He will give me the grace and Wisdom to do it His way. There are a number of reasons I could list for why I feel called to do this but this is the one that keeps coming out on paper when I journal about this subject. God gave these children to me and my most important job as their mother is to lead them back to Him, to help them see their God-given potential and give them the tools to reach for it. 

Yes, I know that 2014 is going to be an amazing year for my family. I can't wait to see what God is going to do!! Happy New Year to you all!



What are some of your goals for this year? I'd love to hear them! You can comment below, email me, or message me through Facebook if you'd rather not share publicly. 

**If you're interested in learning more about one of my upcoming accountability groups, email me at chrissie828@gmail.com or send me a message through Facebook. :)

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New beginnings!
Chrissie
Not coincidentally, it has been a very long time since I updated this blog. However, I am making a new commitment to try to post here much more frequently. It has been on my heart for quite some time that I had a story others may be able to relate to and possibly even benefit from. So, this is my attempt at resurrecting this blog and bring you all more intimately into my journey.


Like SO many women, I have struggled the majority of my life with self-esteem issues. And also like a lot of other women, I believed that my low self-esteem was because of my appearance. I was always awkward, taller than other girls and felt very boyish, although I was never overweight until adulthood. 

I married at 20 and gained considerably in the first 2 years. By year 3, I was the heaviest I had ever been. I only shopped in the men's department because I hated the way women's clothing looked on me. My marriage was suffering and I felt awful about myself and blamed all of it on my weight. So, I set out with determination and lost 50 pounds in about 6 months' time. I felt pretty good and loved being able to fit into cute clothes again. While I had made a few healthy choices, including more exercise and cutting way back on portions, I was still a smoker and my "portions" usually consisted of unhealthy foods. And I was consuming a LOT of diet soda. 

Shortly after I lost that 50th pound, I became pregnant with Reagan. On July 4, 2003 my life changed drastically, forever. It's a good thing, then, that I couldn't see what the next 10 years would bring. Ha! But that is when my agonizing roller coaster ride of antenatal and postpartum illness began. Only, back then, I had no idea what was happening to me and there was no such thing as Google, Twitter, and Ms. Katherine Stone's wonderful www.postpartumprogress.com . But there WAS iVillage. (insert deliriously happy face)

The next few years were tragic, sad, exciting, happy, terrifying, and spiritual all wrapped up in one. I went through a divorce, moved back home with a toddler, went back to school, moved to the other side of the globe, and got remarried. Whew! Those three years were my transitional years. I quit smoking, decided on a career path, and set out to redefine who I was as a woman, wife, and mother. 

Caleb came in 2009 and I thought that since my life was so dramatically improved that I wouldn't have the same postpartum experiences as I did with Reagan. But another traumatic birth experience and some circumstantial issues combined with a predisposition toward depression and an ugly new factor called D-MER proved me very, very wrong. But I fought hard and became educated about what was going on with me. And I had my amazing iVillage family that supported me through it. 

The Spring after Caleb was born I enrolled in Electrology school and began Weight Watchers. I was pursuing my dream and losing weight in a much healthier way than I had in the past. I felt amazing. I had beaten postpartum illness, I had an amazing husband, two amazing children, and I was chasing down my dreams. Life was so good. 

And SURPRISE!! The week of Caleb's 1st birthday we found out we were expecting again. As horrible as it sounds, I felt completely devastated at first. I experienced a wide and wild range of emotions in the beginning from utter terror to a calm peace that everything was going to work out. 

The antenatal illness didn't really set in until after our move back to GA the Fall before Kinley was born. But when it did, it hit with a vengeance. There were days I was certain I wouldn't make it. But I did. Kinley was born on a warm day in February a couple weeks after a horrible ice storm. As prepared as we tried to be for the post-delivery complications I had experienced in the past, we couldn't prevent it from happening again. So, another traumatic birth experience coming fresh out of severe antenatal illness combined with an early onset of D-MER...I was doomed from the beginning. I was a rock star the first week or so at home with the three kids. And then the hideous PPD monster reared its ugly head and I plunged into the deepest darkness I have ever experienced. 

I can sit here right now and tell you readers that I don't know how I got through it. God's Grace is the only thing I can imagine that carried me through safely to the other side. Like the Footprints poem that my Murr loved so much; I definitely only saw one set of footprints during that time. But it certainly felt like I was all alone and going it on my own. 

Because of how severe the illness was and how deep the feelings of self-loathing I ate (and drank. Lots of delicious home-brewed beer.). I gained a LOT of weight. I tried Weight Watchers again but failed. I had pretty much resolved that I would always be heavy from here on out and there was no sense in making myself more miserable trying to lose what couldn't be lost. 

But I had this wonderful girlfriend on Facebook (now my rockstar Beachbody coach) that was a fellow iVillager. She had been doing this thing called Shakeology and P90X and was always talking about how wonderful she felt. She posted pictures of her progress and she looked absolutely amazing. For a YEAR I watched her go through this incredible transformation before I decided that I wanted in on this deal too. So, Mike and I decided to go for it. We signed up for a P90X and Shakeology Challenge Group and I signed as a coach to get the amazing Shakeology discount that I was sure we would need with both of us doing it.  


IT. CHANGED. MY. LIFE. 

The Shakeology made a difference immediately for me. I had so much energy, I didn't crave the usual salty snacks or the pizza or the sweets, and I just felt....Good! I am proud to say that Mike and I stuck to the rigorous P90X routine nearly perfectly for the first 20 or so days (try doing anything new consistently for 21 days! It's harder than you think!). I suffered with the most horrible shin splints the entire time and then I sprained my ankle. And within a week or so, I had completely quit my workouts and the Shakeology. 

Then an amazing work opportunity came along for me and my life changed again. All of our lives changed when I started working part time and Caleb and Kinley started preschool. In March of this year, the preschool had a book fair and did something called Muffins for Moms. I went to the school that morning to spend the day with Caleb. While I was there, the school photographer was going around snapping photos of all the kiddos with their moms. A few days later, my picture showed up on the preschool's Facebook page, standing next to Caleb at the book fair. I was mortified at how huge I looked. I was shocked and ashamed that I had let myself get that way and decided on the spot that I was going to change it.


I started drinking my Shakeology again every single day and I bought Les Mills Combat fitness program because I thought it would be better for my schedule with it being shorter workout durations than P90X. I lost a good amount of weight on Shakeology and diet changes alone before I started Combat but I didn't start seeing the physical changes to my body until after I started Combat. 

Here are my Les Mills Combat results!! I'm still far out from my goal fitness level but I'm so thrilled with the progress that I've made. And I love that so many people have come forward to tell me how motivated and inspired they have been by watching my transformation over the last few months. That blesses me so much! 


Even better than an awesome physical transformation is the mental and spiritual transformation that has taken place. I feel like I have finally found the answer to keeping the depression at bay and my postpartum period is finally behind me forever. I can finally close that chapter of my life for good and know that my scars haven't left me bitter about it. Instead, God has used my mess to inspire others to better physical and mental health also. Through it all I have learned to love myself so much more which is what I think postpartum robs you of. It robs you of self-love by screaming at you that you're not good enough. Not a good enough wife, not a good enough mother, not a good enough woman, or maybe not even a good enough person. But having a loving support group, setting goals, and having the love of people gently pushing you to reach for your dreams and goals, and then doing it....that's the best feeling in the world. 


I have learned I can do anything in this world that I set out to do. If I can believe it, I can achieve it. I want my kids to grow up with the same belief in themselves. And I want new mothers out there who may be suffering what I suffered to know that they too can overcome and begin to love themselves again. 


That is Beachbody! Are you ready to make a change? Reach out! 

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