Yep, you read that right. I gained it all back plus some. Now, I can sit here and make all kinds of excuses up about the how and why. The truth is that it was easy and I got lazy. When I quit my job, pulled my daughter out of school, lost my grandfather, and moved AGAIN, my routine got lost, I hit rock bottom, got lazy down there and now here I am. That's it. 

I've made several short-lived attempts at getting back on track but I've been unable to maintain the intensity that I start out with. To add to my misery I felt like such a failure and so unworthy of calling myself a Beachbody coach that I abandoned the people I had promised to lead because I was so ashamed of what I had let happen to myself. Be all of that as it may, I am starting over again. The only difference this time is that I'm holding myself accountable here instead of privately where my excuses and failures can't be seen or known by anyone but me.

So, here's my Day 1: Les Mills Pump: Pump & Burn



I was going to start P90X (because I loved the results I got from it last time) but spent over an hour trying to get my Beachbody On Demand to work on the Fire Stick, then the Roku. Finally gave up on it and plugged in the old DVD player but it was so late at night by that point, I decided to go with a shorter workout.

So, last night I started P90X: Week 1, Day 1: Chest & Back



And tonight should have been W1D2: Plyometrics.....but instead is Les Mills Combat: Combat 30. At my current weight, Plyo would have left me with killer shin splints so for cardio days, I will supplement with Combat, which is my soulmate workout. LOVE, love, love Combat.



My nutrition isn't perfect yet but I'm working on it day by day and I'm finally at a point where I'm tired of waiting for everything to be perfect at the same time. It's time for baby steps a day at a time. I'm making no promises other than that I'm going to do my best every day. So, there you have it! The ugly, vulnerable truth. Who's ready to dig in with me? 

So, what am I doing now that the long wait is finally over? I am homeschooling all three of my kids. Ha!!! I first felt called to homeschool a couple years ago when we had to pull Reagan out of Christian school and enroll her in public school at the beginning of her 4th grade year. We even went through the county to have her enrolled in one of the "better" elementary schools in our county as a transit student, which just meant that I was responsible for her transportation because the bus would not pick her up.

What a nightmare it was! The calls home almost every day about absolutely everything! The tears over math homework (thank you Common Core), the crazy lack of an actual grading system, and the lack of communication, in general, between the school and myself. At our first parent/teacher conference, the teacher assured me that Reagan was doing great and was right where they considered it average for her to be. She had been a A Honor Roll student the previous 3 years at Christian school. By the end of the first semester, they notified me that she was failing Language Arts which is her strongest subject. She would come home depressed and told me stories of other children who "hated" her and bullied her to tears. The school counselor actually called me and said Reagan was in her office too often (at least once per day) and that we should seek outside counseling.....which we were already getting!! We did therapy twice a month to monitor her ADHD medications, appointments that usually ended with an additional prescription and an increased dosage of everything else she was on. And nothing was working!!! She was not getting better, she had side effects from all the medications which they would just prescribe other meds for, she was having worse problems in school than ever before, and to top it all off, she had fallen completely off of the growth chart for her age group. I was at a completely utterly hopeless loss for what to do to help my beautiful girl who once had been the happiest, most outgoing child I had ever known.

After much praying and crying, and prayerful crying, I began to be lead to different sources of information about homeschooling. I read an eBook named Called Home that said practically everything that was in my heart about it and I decided to go for it. I turned in my notice for my job, withdrew her from public school after one especially hellish week during which I had had absolutely everything I intended to take from those people. I felt liberated and completely terrified. You have to understand, I am NOT one of "those" moms. You know the ones I'm talking about? The ones who think their kids are just the best thing since sliced bread and want to spend every waking moment planning crafts and activities that will enrich the little darlings' lives? Yep, that mom. I'm not her. Not by a long shot. I'm the mom who began counting down the days until Summer break was over and I could get rid of them again. Don't judge, there are many more where I came from. So, I was taking a huge step out of my comfort zone deciding to do this. But while I may not be "that" mom I am most definitely the mom that will always do what's best for my kids no matter how much I dislike it.

So, homeschooling it was. The first thing we did was put a stop to ALL of her medications. All of them. Then I got a bunch of books and started handing out reading assignments while I searched for a curriculum that didn't cost a million dollars. Then my grandfather died. When that happened, I decided that this idea called unschooling sounded like a nice idea for awhile. Besides, I had heard that children needed to "deschool" for about a month for every year they attended public school before beginning homeschool. I still think that may be pretty excessive for most children but to each their own. I needed to believe it at that time because I was beginning to come apart. At the same time I was trying to come to grips with the loss of my grandfather, we also bought our first home and the packing and the moving commenced. And that, as well, proved an extremely emotional period of time for me. My babies had grown up in the house we currently lived in and while I did want our own home, I had loved our rental a lot and didn't want to think about leaving all of my memories behind.

But leave, we did, and everyone adjusted well. We loved our new home and got settled in pretty quickly. But shortly after the move, the kids began talking about how they wanted to go back to school. I felt conflicted about it but reasoned that since we were in a better school district, things might be different this time. So, I got Caleb a spot in the local pre-k and enrolled Reagan in 4th grade at the new school. It ended up being the same old nightmare with Reagan and we were so fortunate she even graduated 4th grade based on testing alone because her grades wouldn't have allowed her to advance. It was all so disheartening and, honestly, devastating to think that she had gone from being considered such an incredibly bright student to a kid who was about to be held back a grade. I felt like such a horrible failure as a mother. I remember sitting on my front porch was beautiful Spring day, face in hands, bawling like a child after one particular phone call from her teacher. I felt so lost.

Over the summer, I contemplated homeschooling again but decided against it when Fall came around because Caleb was so excited to start Kindergarten and Reagan was wanting to see her friends again for 5th grade. And secretly I lacked the self-confidence to homeschool them. All of the "what if" fears haunted me and I really didn't believe I could do it without ruining my kids. So, public school it was.

The school year started out pretty rocky. With Caleb, it was a huge adjustment to long days where he was required to sit still and do seat work, no naps, and late lunches. He came home grumpy and exhausted daily. Homework was a nightmare of tears and frustration. Eventually, we stopped doing homework other than story time because I felt it was utterly ridiculous to require a Kindergartner to do homework after being in school for 7 hours. 7 hours!! With only a 15 minute recess and 30 minute lunch for a bunch of 5 year olds; I just don't comprehend the logic. (Massachusetts had half day Kindergarten with a long recess and Reagan learned to read very well by the end of the year. Why couldn't Georgia do the same?) By the Spring parent/teacher conference, the teacher was threatening to hold Caleb back in Kindergarten another year because he wasn't at the reading level required for 1st graders, even though he was ahead in math. WHAT??

The beginning of the year with Reagan was much the same as the end of the previous school year. Academically, she was struggling and behaviorally she was REALLY struggling. Constant calls home and visits with the principal and counselors, respect letters lost, and even the privilege of hall monitor was taken from her because of an outburst one day. The tide started to shift when, in October, I made a blend of essential oils for her in a roller bottle and started applying it to her every morning before she left for school and most afternoons when she would come home and do homework. The change wasn't immediate but gradual. In fact, at first I didn't know if the oils were working at all but we were desperate to find something non-medical that would help her.



By Christmas, not only did I notice a huge difference in her but everyone close to her began to notice as well. The outbursts of anger were less frequent, the depressive sobbing episodes stopped, she seemed happier and more content. She didn't bounce off the walls at home all the time and was calmer and more pleasant. Everyone began noticing these subtle changes in her. Her grades started coming up as well. By the Spring parent/teacher conference her teacher and aide, both, were asking what we were doing at home because she had made a complete 180. Not only did she pass 5th grade but she did it without anymore visits to the principal and was even given the Rising Star award at the end of year ceremony. There are only a few things I can give credit to for this miraculous turnaround; I never stopped praying for her and our situation, diligent principled chiropractic visits, and amazing essential oils. She's even back on track with the growth chart! Hallelujah!!

We started Summer with the intention that all would be going to school in the Fall but my head started swimming with thoughts of how hectic it was going to be. Caleb would be in Elementary which starts at 7:30am, Kinley would be in Pre-K across town which started at 8am, and Reagan would be in Middle School which started at 9am. And they would all have different pickup times as well. Whoa! Add to that the anxiety of Reagan starting middle school which is an entirely different monster from elementary, which we had JUST gotten acquired to with her. So, homeschool started to sound really good again. But I was absolutely terrified to commit!

I spent the whole Summer praying about the decision, discussing it with my mom, and weighing the pros and cons. I finally made my decision to go all in with homeschool about 2 weeks before the new school year was to start. So, I chose our curriculum, bought school supplies, and planned the first week out for each child in their own separate Evernote notebook. The week of orientation at school, I went to the school to withdraw both children. I was nervous about the response that I would get but they were nice about it and I was beginning to feel more and more confident about our decision each day.

So here we are! We have been officially homeschooling for 2 and a half months and things couldn't be going better!! What a tremendous blessing it has been for all of us! Honestly, once I obeyed God and followed the call I felt in my heart, everything began to fall into place. I can now see how unfounded all of my fears were. I'm so thankful to be right in the middle of His will for my family. I will post more about our homeschooling adventures in another post; this one is quite long as it is!

As I always do, I sit down with my journal on New Year's Day and write down my goals, dreams, or hopes. Instead of resolutions, I decided this year I would set intentions. I intend to read 52 books this year. I intend for my family to be healthier. I intend to eliminate more and more synthetic chemicals from my home and my life. But like anything, without a plan of action, the days will pass and before long the year will have passed and I will once again be setting intentions for another new year. Making plans, however, is not one of my stronger qualities, so I decided to leave it at intentions for a time and wait and pray about what my next step should be.

After finishing my first book of the new year, Visioneering by Andy Stanley, I began my year of intention excited for what would be in store for me. Innately, I heard a resounding, "Behold! I am doing a new thing! Do you not perceive it?" And indeed, I do, and I can't wait to see what it is!! 

That night I began reading book 2 of 52, The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod. Let me just start by saying that this book doesn't really have anything to say that hasn't been said in a million other personal development books because there was nothing in it that I haven't read or heard before. But the timing of it coming into my life and the voice with which he delivers his message was as synchronistic as events can be thus providing me with refreshing and deep revelation into my next step! It seemed so obvious that the very best thing I could for myself right now would be to start waking up earlier. Since we moved last year I developed a terrible habit of staying up VERY late and then sleeping in very late also. Even on days when the kids had school I would sometimes come home and go back to bed sometimes sleeping until almost noon. I knew it had to stop because it was hindering so much productivity. 

So, the idea behind The Miracle Morning is simple. Wake up early and make personal development priority #1 of the day essentially pointing your day in the direction that you want it to go, fundamentally giving you the tools to change yourself and, thus, your life. I knew all of these things but now it just made so much sense to implement it in my life. But like everything in my life recently, I procrastinated my Day 1 because sleep is so highly coveted. So, when was I actually going to start?

Over the weekend I began hearing a lot of talk of people doing these 21 day fasts with their church. I began researching prayer fasts as a spiritual discipline last year but have never done one. Still not convinced it was for me I went about my business and my reading. On Saturday, I read a blog post by one of my upline Royal Crown Diamond distributors with Young Living describing this yearly 21 Day Prayer Fast that she participated in with her church. After reading sbout her personal experience with this yearly fast that isn't always related to food, I was thoroughly convinced that I would incorporate a fast into my Miracle Morning. Sleeping in would be the thing I fasted and, instead, prayerfully devote that time to the Lord, knowing that He would have something spectacular to show me during this time period. I began that Monday.

***Update***

I am 12 days in to the Miracle Morning and devotion. I have failed about 3 times but I will say that I now absolutely treasure that time in the morning when it is peaceful, quiet, and all for me. There is something about the dark at that time of day that is so still and perfect but you know that dawn is just around the corner and with the first light the world will come to life. 

I have been given some amazingly incredible insights during my devotion time. It truly is miraculous and it has created a domino effect of profound changes in my life, changes that I will inevitably be sharing here on this blog. I'm so excited for this new year!!! Stay tuned!! I can't wait to share it all with you! 

Not knowing much about the Spartan Race other than it being what I considered to be "extreme" I set off for Google and YouTube. If I could use one word to describe my reaction, it would be 'terror'. I was completely terrified. I read comments from others describing painful injuries, hypothermia, broken limbs, permanent disability, and the possibility of death!! To say I was scared is an understatement like no other. I procrastinated on signing up. Then I got the email invite from my brother to sign up with Team Mudstache so I bit the bullet and began filling out the forms. When I got to the liability waivers, I panicked! I had 3 small children; how could I sign a waiver of liability in the event of my permanent disability or even death?!? So, I stopped and prayed about it for a couple of days and the Scripture that kept coming to me was 2 Timothy 1:7 "For I have not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." So, I signed the waiver.

I had planned to train much harder than I actually did over the months that followed but I completed P90X and started T25 before we bought a house and began packing for a move. The move consumed nearly two months of me as well as a procrastination out of self pity over the loss of my grandfather just days before Christmas. Before I knew it, it was just days before the race. I got some workouts in early that week and then figured I was as in shape as I was going to be. Instead I concentrated on hydrating and trying to stay injury free despite a tumble down the stairs in our new house mid week. Aah!! Thankfully, I was only bruised in the fall! 

My nerves twisted into bundles that grew each day that week. The night before the race Mike took me and the kids to my favorite restaurant to eat my "last meal", lol! I barely slept the whole night, I was so on edge. I had nightmares and waking anxiety about oversleeping. Once I woke up in a cold sweat and nauseous, convinced I had come down with the flu and would not be able to race. Finally, my alarm went off and the adrenaline began to rush! It was race day!!

The day before I had bought myself some awesome new workout clothes to wear for the race so I got dressed, made my Shakeology, and waited for my brother to arrive to pick me up. When he arrived, the kids wished us luck and I hugged them goodbye. Mike exchanged words with Casey which were something along the lines of me returning in one piece. Ha! I hopped in the truck and we were off. We picked up both of our team members along the way and headed for the horse park in Conyers for what would be a first Spartan Race for all four of us. My stomach was light and jumpy the whole way there and as we pulled into the park and found our parking space, I was sure I would faint. 

The walk to the sign-in stand from the parking lot was a distance all by itself and I retreated into my own mind during the walk, contemplating several times turning around and waiting at the truck for the guys! The weather was perfectly gorgeous! Sunny and cool, 50ish early and probably close to 70 by midday. As we approached the entrance you actually walk under one of the obstacles, The Bridge. I got in line and picked up my envelope and the guys and I went in and started attaching our timing bracelets and race bibs. After we got our stuff stowed away we made our way toward the start gate for our 11:45 heat time. Right before you get to the gate, there is a table with people handing out sharpies and offering to "mark" you. I let one of the ladies mark my bib number on my left calf and we got in line at the gate for our heat. At this point my nerves went into overdrive. I can't quite explain what was happening in my stomach at that moment. I began reciting Scripture in my head, "You were made for such a time as this." and "Nothing shall in any way harm you."

When they unlocked the gate to let our group in, to my surprise, you had to go over an obstacle just to get to the start corral. It was a 5 foot wall, which I pitifully attempted and failed miserably at. It was humiliating and I wanted to cry, run and hide, and die all at once. Casey said, "Really?" and boosted me over. That is when dread set in, not just fear or nerves, but dread and terror. For 5-10 minutes while waiting in the corral with everyone else I fought an overwhelming urge to run into the woods and vomit repeatedly. Oddly for me, the shame of quitting scared me more than the fear of going through with the race. There was a guy at the head of the line with a microphone and he must have been saying something motivational because everyone was cheering and shouting. Then the crowd of racers began chanting, "Aroo, aroo, aroo!", a gunshot sounded and we were off!!

I took off after my brother at a decent paced jog and at about 200 yards in I was already tired of running! Bahahaha!! You see, I thought that all the cardio I had done in my super awesome workouts like P90X, Les Mills, Combat, and T25 had prepared me enough so I never bothered with any running training. The first obstacle was The Steeplechase. It was a series of low fences preceding knee deep mud pits which you had to jump over and into which ensured muddy shoes from the get-go and for the remainder of the day. Running became even more enjoyable after that. <insert sarcastic smirk>

I no longer remember the exact order of the obstacles after that but there was a series of over-unders, a very long and low crawl-under obstacle that we opted to roll under which made it so much easier, and a slanted inversion wall to start with. The slanted inversion wall was awesome. I was so proud of myself having the strength to pull myself over that wall! Early on were also the giant mud pits. The pits were about 8 feet deep and half filled with mud so that when you slid down into the pit, you were waist deep in freezing cold muddy water that you then had to wade through to find a rope to pull yourself up and out the other side. There were 3 of these to get through. My favorite part of this obstacle was when, after climbing out of the 3rd and last pit, the guy next to me turned to look back at the obstacle we had just overcome and said, "That was fun!" Something sparked in me and, at that moment, I could feel the Holy Spirit smiling in my own spirit. 

There were more walls, traditionally called Hobie walls, each time getting taller, 7 foot, 8 foot, and finally 9 foot. Casey and Steven boosted me on all of them. I wouldn't have been able to do it without the two of them. There was more running, steep climbs up and down, sometimes in deep mud. And there was mud, lots of mud. Deep mud, slippery mud, sliding mud, crazy mud. When I started feeling weak and tired on the trail I would recite Scripture to myself. On the slippery sharp rocks in the creek and the mud slides going downhill it was, "He makes my feet as the hind's feet." When I hit a wall of exhaustion it was "He renews my energy and I mount up on wings as eagles."

The spear throwing obstacle was the first one we all failed and had to take the 30 burpee penalty. Let me just say that 30 burpees when you're already exhausted is brutal. The Herculean Hoist was so FUN!! The sandbag is about 50 pounds and is attached to a rope and pulley. You have to hoist the sandbag to the top of the pulley and then lower it back down without letting the sandbag fall or land hard. It was hard and it totally wasted my forearms but I rocked it like a beast! Immediately following was the bridge obstacle which happened to be the bridge we entered the race grounds through when we arrived that morning. The nearly vertical climb to the top of the bridge was on widely spaced, narrow, wooden boards. It should have been fairly easy for me but with my forearms shaking and weak, it was not at all. The top is made from the same widely spaced boards. No room for error at all and nothing to hold on to. It was just high enough that I felt queasy getting across. Next up was the traverse wall which was another team fail and 30 burpees each were paid. At this point you believe you're almost done because you've already come approximately 3 miles. Wrong! 

The trail continued back into the woods for more trail running. At one point, the trail wound along the edge of a cliff that looked over a beautiful valley and I literally stopped to admire the amazing view and praise God for the gift of it all and for encouraging me to go out and play in it. 

One of the next obstacles we came to was called The Choice. You could either climb a 500 foot sheer cliff face with nothing but a cargo net or you could run to the top following the trail the long way around. The guys chose straight up so that is what we did. I walked up to the net and began to put one hand and foot in front of the other, focusing only on my hand and foot placement. I never looked up, down, or back and became quite oblivious to the others around me. I was terrified. Once I became aware that I was at the side edge of the net and realized that I was very high up with nothing to catch me if I was to fall off that net, except about 20 other Spartans behind me, lol. Others around me caused the net to shake and wobble and the cliff face curved inward where there was nothing to hold onto BUT the net. Again I started quoting Scripture, "I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me." and "Nothing shall in any way harm you." I could hear Casey calling down to me from the top. When I finally reached the top and climbed over the edge of the net to safe ground, I dropped to my knees nearly in tears, completely overcome with emotion. But...ever onward. There was still more racing to do. 

After that I had new passion, new oomph! I ran with more speed and more energy. We ran up for what seemed like forever and the scene reminded me of Band of Brothers when they climbed Currahee up in Toccoa, GA. When we came to the sandbag carry, I grabbed my sandbag, slung it over my shoulder, and continued the upward trek. Casey came up beside me and we commiserated over sore muscles for a moment before I suddenly felt inspired and shouted 'Currahee!' and picked up the pace, finally heading back down the trail and jogged past the guys. I heard one of them wonder out loud, "What the hell is she doing?" Hahaha!

I opted out of the rope climb after watching all 3 guys fail out and imagining myself breaking an ankle, so I gracefully (or not) paid my 30 burpees and headed over to the slippery 10 foot inverted wall. You have to use a rope to pull yourself over. I started out well until I was about a foot from the top when I slipped and fell down dangling from the rope. I couldn't get any traction but was so wasted with exhaustion that I was chanting, "No! I can't do more burpees!!" About that time, Steven popped up from the other side and gave me his hand! I was able to throw my leg over and got to the other side. Whew!

The next and almost last obstacle was a mud crawl/swim almost a quarter mile in length under barbed wire. It was slow, cold, slimy, and painful as there were sharp rocks (and other things) in the shallow mud that you had to slither through. But it was awesome!! The guys were waiting on the other side for me and we jumped over the fiery logs and fought the gladiators (basically dudes in costumes hitting you with giant marshmallows, lol) and....crossed the Finish Line!!

When I crossed that finish line, the one that actually says You Will Know at the Finish Line, I nearly broke down in tears. And when the cute muddy girl came over to me and put my medals around my neck, I did break down in tears. I will never be able to accurately describe that feeling with words. There are no words for that amazing feeling. I may have been that girl walking around collecting my banana and protein drink, muttering "I did it! I really did it! I finished! I didn't think I could and I did! I really did!" I cried again when I wrote that in my journal and I'm crying now typing it here. What an overwhelming accomplishment for me. 

And I completed my journal entry that day with these final words:

"And it's over now. Thank God!! I'm a Spartan!!!"

AROO!! 

So, my WHY has pretty much always been the same but seems to intensify as time goes on. So, tonight as I was preparing my assignment, I realized I have never publicly shared my WHY for doing what I do. Yes, I believe it is my calling to help women learn how to regain their self-esteem and God has provided many avenues for me to do this: Esthetics, Electrolysis, my various social media sites and groups, and now my challenge groups via Team Beachbody. What a blessing!! But my WHY...is much more personal and emotional. It is the driving force behind everything action I take each day. My WHY is the big picture behind each goal I set. So, I want to share with you what I shared with my leadership group because I think my WHY is the same as so many other moms out there who may not know there is a better way. There IS a better way. I can show you a better way. 

-----------

The beginning of another year is always so exciting to me! It's a blank slate, a chance to start over and do better, a fresh opportunity. I have been very busy the last week or so making plans for my 2014; writing down goals, saving photos to paste on my dream board, journaling my wishes and desires for my family, my self, and my two businesses. What I haven't done much of is reflect on the previous year. At the most, I have marvelled at what I have accomplished (as it is quite marvelous, if I do say so myself). Those are things such as finally getting my health and fitness back on track, sticking to a fitness program for longer than a few days, getting out of my comfort zone and beginning to build a successful business, and standing up for myself in a variety of other ways. I have come to know "me" on a deeper level. Those things are great testimonies!